a forever valentine.

last year at valentines day, i was as single as single could be. in fact, relationships and marriage were simply not in the picture. i had two days until i was jumping in a mini size u-haul heading to san francisco. scared out of my mind but as excited as a 5'3" 23-year-old girl could possibly be. i had no idea what the future held, but my focus was on myself. realizing that i needed this for me. i needed that time to become the woman i wanted to be.

it was that day that i wrote this post on my old blog...

"a classic white gown.

elegant and feminine with minimal detail. one dark, sleek suit.

fit with masculine lines.

and a simple, classic gold band. a ring of leaves whimsically engraved into its polished surface.

that day will come. and one day.

when it does.

we will rock each other's worlds."

at the time, i had no plans on being married in 2012. no plans on even having a boyfriend. my plans stopped at moving to a new city and starting a fresh story--finding myself again--and falling in love with life. god had so much more in mind for me.

not only did he give me a new life, a clean start, and the bravery to conquer deep fears that had kept me up at night for so many years before, but he gave me everything i had ever dreamed of.

looking back, i realize that i couldn't have found myself again, if weren't for the understanding and guiding hand of my father in heaven.  he knew how lost i had been. he was aware of aching gap i felt in my heart everyday. and he knew i needed a serious push and some borrowed courage to overcome fears to find the promises he had always told me were there. somewhere in the future.

so, i loaded up that moving truck and started again. and everytime i'd feel the tears building, i'd feel a comforting voice from within me. reminding me that this was right.

and thank heavens it did. because it was so very very right.

just two months later, a handsome 6' 5" man with dark hair and hazel eyes dropped me off from our first date, and walked me up to my front door on market and 16th street. three doors up from the most hoppin' gay bar in the city (lets just say i woke up to the raised voices of 2 a.m. catfights more than once)

he kissed me goodnight. promised to call. and has never missed a day since. you can ask anyone who knew us in san francisco. we were obnoxiously inseparable, and there were no games. ever.

our pasts were laid out on the table like a full deck of cards. all suits.

aces. kings and queens. all there.  looking back, i'm pretty sure our heavenly father knew we had both been hurt and screwed things up before, and he wasn't going to let us mess with this one. it was so pain-free and obvious.

and before i knew it, i was planning our wedding.

my baby bought me a gold band with leaves engraved into its polished surface. just like in my dreams. just like i wrote.

i found a dress that almost made me cry the first time i put it on. it was simple. some may say, too simple. it left no room for distractions. it was what it was. no embellishments, no detail. just clean lines and a ribbon draping down the back.  it was elegant and feminine. just how i imagined.

his suit was sleek and fit his sculpted frame like a glove.

again, just how i saw it in my head.

but the rest....

the rest i could not have ever dreamed of or written up on my own. because the rest was solely the work of a heavenly father who loved me enough to push me and push me again into a place where i'd find him. my world, my everything...my best friend.

robert.

his face. his energy. his passions. his sincere eyes and the way they light up when he sees me laugh. his sweet words when he knows i'm feeling down. the dreamy way that he comes home everyday and kisses me at least fifty times. and how perfect mornings are when i reach over and can pull myself up next to him and smell the scent of his skin.

yeah, that i could never have written about before. because i had no idea that such love existed. i believed it did. i saw it in others, but i had never felt it before.

that was heavenly father's doing.

i'm thinking he really wanted me to have a valentine this year. and forever.

for all valentines days to come.

love you rob.