Tuesday, September 15, 2015

a moment of clarity.

For those of you who don't know our story, stop here and read this post. If you don't, the following may not mean what I want and need it to mean, and convey what I sincerely hope it will convey to whoever may be reading. 

...and while you're reading that, listen to this cover, because it's awesome.

Okay now that we're all up to speed and you all know our story-- Robert and I really were blessed to have an as close to a fairytale romance as I believe emotionally and spiritually possible in this world. Of course it wasn't perfect, but for reality, it was pretty darn close.

...but I actually did not believe in soul-mates at the time in my life when I met Robert.

After multiple long term relationships (that all ended fairly dramatically) I was convinced--and quite terrified-- that finding my person might be tougher than I had imagined. I was what I like to call, a quiet romantic growing up. People may not have guessed it because I was more reserved about personal topics, but I always pictured myself finding that "Meet Joe Black" kinda love--you know, the being swept away, levitating, singing with rapture and dancing like a dervish stuff (no idea what I'm talking about? Watch it here--no really please watch it even if you've already seen it, because it's amazing)

Finding someone I could love like crazy, and that would love me the same way back...that was the dream. But that vision slowly faded as life happened and I grew up.

Falling in love with Robert was unexpected. I sincerely was not looking for it. In fact, I had moved myself to a new state because I needed a clean slate and a fresh start. I couldn't keep making the same mistakes. My body could only take so much more heartbreak. And my mind could only take so many more games. 

A new city, new people, new beginning--and finding my person (at least right then) wasn't part of the plan. I knew I needed to focus on healing and finding myself before the rest of my life could continue on.

And it was true, because once I had found myself again God knew it was time to have sweet Rob enter my life. I was happy, confident, and most importantly--truly loved myself. I was in an open and loving state of mind. And it was time...

Never had a single moment made more sense to me then the initial moment of clarity I had with Robert. It was a single moment of time in my life that I will never forget. And as cliche as this sounds, it was from that moment on that things just fell into place. My mind was at ease--and that was such a delicacy in my life. I wish I could fully convey to you how extraordinary it is for me to have an "at ease" mind. I have diagnosed anxiety and am prone to endless worry...I am a people pleaser and an emotion feeler...and folks, an at ease mind does not come with that territory. And yet, there I was... a mind so crystal clear, a soul so entirely at peace. Without a worry in the world....

Stuff just didn't "work" like this for me. This wasn't me. Okay, it was physically me--but I wasn't alone. I was being guided and lead along the way. Because me all by myself would have not been so composed and able. Me alone would not have been so brave.

This was with the help of my Heavenly Father. He gave me all the necessary tools to make this one work, because He knew that I had finally found him. Robert was my person. He was and will always be my soulmate. And without God, I would have never been brave enough to move myself to a that city. Without Him, I would have never had the clarity and peace that I needed to fall in love and be married. 

I would have messed it up somehow. I would have let myself tear it apart and find reasons to be scared--because as humans we do that crap when we don't think we are worthy of something. We search for a way out when something scares us a little bit, and it frightens us because we don't know if we can do it right. 

But see, that's where our instincts are wrong. We can do it right. No, probably not on our own, because I'm impossibly difficult, selfish, and headstrong, and Robert is legitimately the most stubborn person I've ever met ;)....so no, on our own we'd probably fail...but with God as a part of our relationship, we can do it right. 

And that's the truth, I promise.

Robert and I have been married three years today. 

I still remember that moment guys. It was at dinner, on our first date. (Again, if you didn't read the post earlier--here you go)

The Nob Hill Cafe...we sat on the lower level below the wine bar, next to the big street window. It was a quiet evening. He ordered some bizarre dish with bone marrow and some crap like that (he always orders the weirdest thing he can when we try new fancy places). We bonded over our mutual love for Diet Coke. I laughed at myself. I ate a butter-soaked brussel sprout. He told me a story. Then he looked at me.

And like I said, it wasn't a word or anything specific really...it was just a perfect moment I guess. His eyes were so blue, honest and beaming with life. I had never seen anything like it. It made me feel like I was levitating...like I could sing...and dance...and get completely swept away. And that was it.

Just a moment, when the sun and moon and stars aligned and I felt complete clarity in my universe. Suddenly every failure made sense and every turn that came at me unexpected now seemed so strategically mapped out. That was the single moment that changed my life. 

Humans are imperfect.

Rob and I have fought more in the last three years then we can ever keep count of. We've had stressful patches and times when the days seem to drag on...but not one of those days goes by that he doesn't tell me he loves me. Even when he's furious at me, he still finds a way to sneak in an "I love you." It's pretty great. He's pretty great. Personally, I have a lot of work to do, but together, we're great. But we couldn't have made it this far without the support, guidance and love of our Father in Heaven. That, I know for sure.

I guess that's the message I had for whoever may have decided to read this. That's my 3-years-of-marriage take it or leave it advice to y'all. Keep God a part of your relationship, and even the toughest of times will work themselves out--and you'll be stronger, both individually and as a team. 

When the day came...three years ago today...that I married him, I had no worries and no doubts that it was right. It was complete peace and confidence in him, in myself, and in my Father above. 

It was the best.

And Roberto, happy anniversary babe. I really love you.



  1. I love you with every bit of my stubborn heart ;)

  2. And I'm crying. I'm such a sap. What a lovely post. You two are gorgeous together, and I cannot wait to see y'all in your element. xo

  3. This is so beautiful. Not everyone is lucky enough to find "their person". I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and life has a very funny way of taking you exactly where you need to be. Congratulations on finding your person and happy anniversary! This was a wonderful post to read!

    Carly www.frecklesandcheeks.com

  4. There are no words for this post....this was more then beautiful....this was such an amazing post. Thank you!

  5. Nice post. People who are fond of traveling different places must visit this lovely place for once in their life. After watching a Italy Travel Video I was desperately waiting to visit this lovely place but I found this place more beautiful then it was in the video.